Wednesday, 24 June 2009


Diets are something I'd usually lump in with chunky women who feel that their neck breasts are becoming too much to handle when they're hiding it on every picture taken for the sake of the almighty, Facebook.

If you feel that your belly neck is a bit too X rated to publish to the watching world, then it's usually time to curb the cake.

I've always felt that not eating what you want, when you want was reducing yourself to some sort of torturous non existence, funny as that may sound. Not eating burgers, steaks, jalapeno covered nachos and fat drenched ice creams was denying yourself the pleasures that make being a man, so very manly.

But a simple booking of a holiday has prompted me to kick out the crisps, ban the bread and fuck off the fried rice.

After a week of hardcore dieting, I have now changed my entire outlook on food. I now pour scorn on chippy teas and look on with pity at the people drowning themselves in emulsified fats.

I'm not really that much of a food Nazi, but I've started actually thinking about my dinner and how it's going to affect me.

My usual ham butties have been replaced with a nutritious fish steak, with a plethora of vegetables accompanying them. There's also the pasta bake, usually from the night before, with chopped tomatoes and sweetcorn.

Now I would love to come on here and tell you that I am carrying these changes out scientifically and carefully, taking note of all the bits and bobs I'm lashing in my body and balancing them in a logical manner. But I'd be bullshitting, ladies and gentlemen. I haven't a clue about any of the ingredients so I'm literally picking generally healthy things and eating more of them, and taking the other stuff and eating less. But in general, I leave the picking up to my better half.

Now, I have listened to the Missus. I've lost weight, and I'm planning to continue to do so. In a healthy manner. I don't really fancy the LSD diet. The general consensus is fibre, good. Bread, bad. Salmon, good. Crisps, bad. Tuna, good. Coca Cola, very bad. Chicken, good. Biscuits, bad. Pasta, good, in moderation. And that's about all I can remember.

So, besides coming on here and chatting a bit of bollocks, I would just like to send a message to all you wannabe 'dietees' out there. If I can start eating healthy and lose some weight before going on one's jols, anyone can really.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Alternative Endings to The Little Mermaid

(Blog First Wrote September 22nd 2007)

I've had a good day and what better way to celebrate is there than absolutley blitzing a popular children's story?

And the child's story to be killed? The Little Mermaid seems pretty good, as I've never seen it and I'm not likely to change that in the next few years of my life.

So how did the story really end? I'm not entirley sure, but after a small amount of internet research I found that the Prince fucked her off for a temple girl (who was really a Princess or something daft!) and she was meant to kill the Prince so she can have fish legs instead of human legs. But she can't, and dissloves in the sea becoming a spirit or some other shite that helps kids deal with death.

The Disney version however actually has a happy ending (which I can't be bothered with) I, personally, feel my endings will be a much better success than that old Mason, Walt Disney himself!

But, as I have previously believed, is not nearly slapstick enough for a cartoon! Here are my ideas for alternative endings for this animation picture.


The mermaid is chasing down her would be fella (can't think of his name, we'll call him Ken!) who's fleeing in James Bond's underwater adapted Lotus Esprit! God knows why he's getting off, he just is! Probably that sea witch flashed her biffer at him. Well, Ariel is chasing him down on a sea adapted Kawasaki bike. Jumping across sea ravines, and such like. Until she encounters a big spiky ball thing, on a chain. She leaves a ramp and cannot control her direction. She ploughs straight into the mine, which explodes from the inside! It shoots harpoons out, killing all the animals in the surrounding area, including that yellow fish who Ariel thinks is her mate, and Thumper from Bambi. Ken then ends up marrying Jenna Jameson, who cheats on him with Stephen Hawking. Money talks you see! And computers! (For Big Ste!) Ariel gets a job in the Oxfam shop, selling skirts to blind men and radios to dead people.


Unemployment becomes rife in the area of 'Under The Sea' and everyone starts losing their jobs. That Red Crab (can't be arsed researching) loses his job as a Circumcision Surgeon and Thumper is kicked out of his 'impregnation service.' Even that Octopus is kicked out of his band (he was the drummer, obviously.) Ariel is the only person left with a job, as a fishy prostitute. But as no-one has a job, no-one can pay for a bit of a seeing to and she starts starving. As a final kick in the cunt, Ariel then finds out she has a bad case of the clap. This eventually kills her, and all surrounding animals. Including Thumper. And the yellow one!


A new section of the KKK is sent underwater to discriminate against the fish human hybrids under the sea. Packed with Scuba hoods and harpoon guns, they dive deep into Mermaid territory to get shut of these fishy bitches! Ariel's Dad gets a cob on, but gets shot through the face with a harpoon gun by the racist scumbags. One by one, the Mermaids (and Mermen!) are executed. Ariel is the final one left. The KKK representative comes up and is about to dispose of the ginger bitch when she wriggles free and hides in a miniscule rock shaped nuclear bomb shelter. She encounters Tom Cruise in there, who she mates with and lays some Cruise eggs! A small family of sea-Cruises are born and the saga lives on.

Alchohol Poisoning

Ariel is fucked off by Ken, who deems her a freak when she reveals her weird fish arse thing! She goes down into the depths of 'Under The Sea' and finds a dingy bar where she meets Randy off My Name Is Earl. He deems her a freak too, and goes to seek some normality on dry land. Unable to cope with this extremely abnormal feeling, she starts on the Vodka, which we all know can potentially cripple Mermaids. She plunges into a drunken oblivion, gets hit by a Submarine on the M52 and falls asleep on the hard shoulder. When she wakes up, she encounters a bottle of Southern Comfort. This mixed with sea water can make people implode from the feet upwards. Fortunately, before this can happen, she has a fatal multiple organ malfunction and dies on the spot.


George W. Bush feels that Mermaids are plotting against him for the control of Iraq (a highly likely possibility!) He sends sea-politicians down to the town of 'Under The Sea' to find out what's happening. When they get there, they fail to identify themselves to the fishy doormen and are killed on the spot. Bush then sends out his fleet of Sea-Jedi's to go down there and check the place out. When they arrive, all of the Mermaids except one are dead. It's not Ariel, she's dead aswell. They kill the remaining Mermaid and leave the area. Brandon Flowers from The Killers then enters the area (no scuba suit, he's just too cool for drowning) and resuscitates Ariel who then turns into Goro off Mortal Kombat and swims up to Bush's bedroom in the White House. As she sneaks upto Bush in his bed, Lui Kang then mistakes her for the real Goro and kicks her through the wall. A brick lands on her chest and cracks a rib, which pierces her lung. She eventually dies of internal bleeding. A government sniper situated in Texas then shoots her through the head, confirming her death. Lui Kang is then held for thirty eight days for offences to Americans for a serious lack of a shirt.