Friday, 20 February 2009

The Credit Crunch

Now it's a touchy subject the credit crunch. As it affects everybody! Apparently. We're reminded daily of this recession we're going through. People losing jobs because companies are going bust. People losing their houses, because they've lost their job, etc. You get the picture.

But the real implications of a recession only hit home when it affects you directly. I had one man on the phone to me in work today complaining about the stock market and what not. In all honesty, the only stock most people around my part of the world know of is the one you throw in gravy. It's not that different in my everyday life. I have no money, because I spend it. On stuff. This was the already case before the papers (and me, of course) were writing about it.

The main thing most papers or people seem to talk about is your every day shopping. We've always had Vosene as shampoo in our house. I haven't a clue if this is good or bad. Vosene could be the Ferrari of the shampoo world for all I know, but I've grown accustomed to it and that's that. Yet when you find that you're left with fake 'Asda's own' Vosene, you know things have become slightly difficult.

But then there is Listerene in the bathroom. This is priced astronomically high considering it has the taste of petrol and a window cleaner. It may clean your mouth to a higher standard than most mouthwashes, but so would bleach. And you can get that in lemon flavour! So perhaps our shopping hasn't been affected as much as it seems. My Mum still buys Dairy Milk's that I wouldn't dream of eating (Whole Nut, Fruit & Nut, etc) and we still have enough Bran Flakes to build a small village.

But noting supermarket's prices fluctuating is a little objective. Food prices have always went up. Every year. Recession or not. The utility bills are getting a bit silly though, that is true for everyone. But that's down to the numpties knocking about saying using electricity killed Flipper and his Polar bear mates. They've have to up their keep so as to cope with all the energy saving shite they've been forced into. I moved out of my parents' for a bit last year and the first thing I noticed was how expensive lager becomes when you have an electricity bill to pay.

I'm not saying that there isn't a recession going on. Because there clearly is. All of the banks have went tits up because they took your mortgage to Vegas and threw it on red! But the noticable stuff really isn't that bad! You can go bowling by ours for 1p. For the whole day! That makes a change! And the supermarkets trying to 'out credit crunch' one another is only going to be good for your cupboards! And if all else fails, we could all stop using electricity and keep the numpties happy!

Wednesday, 18 February 2009


The fashion life cycle. It makes me laugh. About 3 times daily. People walk past in a different top and all I can think about is that somebody has sat down, with a pencil and some paper, and thought, 'this would look handy on a supermodel for next weeks show.' Which advertises it. People like it.

They then get passed onto the shops. Who advertise it as looking handy on a supermodel. And then 'chunks' purchase them, in the aim of looking quite handy, like a supermodel. And then the top is replaced and it goes out of fashion. And has to be binned.

Don't get me wrong. I understand that looking good is paramount these days. But it's the direction of fashion that has me worried.

The very fact that Australians can, and have invented boots that would make Eskimoes feel toasty. The fact that the more dangerous the heel, the better it's meant to look. The very existence of platform shoes.

Lumberjack shirts are the best one of late. A shirt, designed to be worn by big hefty examples of male, is now only allowed to be worn by skinny examples of Indie culture. It beggars belief.

Yet I do understand the idea of wearing something so someone will comment or think it's fantastic. I love any type of classic Adidas trainees. They are fantastic and they just don't go out of fashion. They stand for the culture of our great city and how us nicking them on away days in the Eighties led to people around the country copying us, albeit with ever so slightly worse looking Hi Tech and Kappa examples.

So the hands down winner is the Samba. It'd kick the shit out a fashion belt and some skinny jeans any day.

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Silly Adverts

(Blog first wrote 4th January 2008)

For fuck's sake! Why? Why do people do it? Why do people make these adverts to put them on the telly when, clearly, the average age of the viewer is around 11-16! Just prior to the age when you finally start to weigh things up in life with an adult head on your shoulders!

For example! A girl, clearly about 15, standing in a nightclub by the bar with some lad! I don't know if he's remotely attractive or not, nor care! This girl's clearly a bit interested! So, in the most abnormal bit of teenage behaviour I've ever seen in my entire life, she reaches for her phone and taps in LOVE2 and then her name (KATE) and his name (TOM) and sends it to some godforsaken 60 something number! This will clearly cost about £3, which will be taken off her Pay and Go credit or the phone bill her gobshite parents are obviously paying for!

So I'll explain the apparent reason for this bizarre new mating trend! If you text LOVE2 JIM STEVE to 60222 or something like that, you'll recieve a message saying how compatible you both are! Splendid! If only we could use this!

Of course, the girl on the ad recieved her text back! With a 9% compatibility! Oh dear, poor old Tom! She then goes on to swill Tom with her drink and walk off! Charming girl, I'm sure!

Yet I know that this advert is not going to make me text 60781 or whatever! I've got a fair shroud of common sense hanging around me, mixed in with a nice double shot of sensibility! But it's not me I'm worrying about! It's everyone else!

It's silly little teenage girls who think that they're going to find out the name of their firstborn child by texting BABY1 to 60771! And it will cost them £4 for the privelage! Even better! They'll keep recieving texts from the same shower of nazi twats, which will cost the another £1.50 or so for each text, telling them what their NEXT unborn child will be called! Even drunk people may text these things for a laugh, and end up being shafted for £30 off their phone bill every month, with no way of stopping it!

Or even better! Lots of girls will go out on a date with you, providing they've text the digital Cupid on 60891 to find out whether or not you've got bally crawlies!

But then you'll have to pay for everything because these girls will be skint after being fleeced daily by some tits who sell ringtones! But as hard as you try, they'll fuck you off eventually anyway. Because phone Cupid will text them to say you're cheating on them, with another man!

So a message to any would be romantics out there! Find out what the person is like by engaging conversation! Laugh, joke, talk about deep meaningful stuff like religious beliefs or football! Have a fumble in a side alley! Find out if you like each other, the good old fashioned way!

And if a girl is texting on her phone and you see her typing a 60 number in, run for the fucking hills! Or swill her, as you may aswell get the dig in before phone Cupid tells her you're bent!

Whatever Happened To Teletext?

(Blog first wrote on 10th April 2008)

After waking up in a relatively pissed state on a mate's wooden floor on Wednesday morning, (Champions League Quarter Final of course, do you even know me?) we quenched our thirst for a much needed cup of coffee, and then found another thirst that needed quenching! Info about the match lastnight! Now me, being the modern day man that I am, thought initially of the internet or Sky Sports News downstairs! And so would many! But my accomplace scoffed at that, instead offering me an alternative that I haven’t heard of in many many moons! Teletext!

Now some of my younger readers may only have heard of Teletext on Peter Kay (which I watched lastnight coincidentally!) with it’s wonderous offers of cheap holidays, and so forth! Think of in the 90’s!

So we puts it on, and my mate scurries through the various pages of pixelated fun! It was like the internet on a Super Nintendo! Only a little more basic! And sure enough, we catch a glimpse of Wenger moaning about penalty decisions and how over the two legs we were the worse team! And I don’t really understand French, as I speak the language of the winner! (Which is Scouse anyway!)

But these little snippets got me wondering! Who writes for the Teletext pages? Is that where Journo’s start? Writing for a meaningless medium of media (try saying that after a few pints!) I mean, it’s like sending smoke signals instead of a video call!

The new digital teletext is shit hot, and only because you can still watch Match of The Day while it’s on! The old one used to cut out all the black background and just leave pixels everywhere, which was probably banned as I remember my eyes bleeding as a result of it once!

Funny enough, after getting our fix of lovely lovely pixel success, we put the Playstation 3 on! It was like fucking Back To The Future! I swear I was strapped into a Delorean and hit 88! Which would have been a bit warmer than sitting in my undies, hungover, drinking coffee!

Whatever Happened To Kids TV Programmes?

(Blog first wrote 24th March 2008)

Now I know that the TV programmes are still there. Power Rangers and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are still going strong, in some form or another, yet the quality has diminished with time! No longer do you get Live & Kicking or even SM:TV Live standard programming! The last time I was awake of a Saturday morning, Dick and Dom were on! Shouting a lot! And being annoying! Kids were in the studio going fucking mental! I was sat at home thinking ’Shut the fuck up, it’s Saturday morning!’

And they wonder were behaviourally influenced Attention Defficit Disorder comes from! When I was a kid, ADHD meant that they’d ignore you while they watched telly and not concentrate in exams! Now they set fire to shit and beat up other kids! It’s evolving! What’s it going to be like in 10 years time, when they’ve got live executions?

And the new age pap, such as Yugi-Oh or something! I don’t even know what they’re called! Pokemon was acceptable, just! The games were pretty good and you could sell a Charizard shiny for a tenner when you were a kid, which was like winning the fucking Euro Millions! But now, all this anime shite is out of control! Kids are reeling off how much HP they’ve got left when they’re in fights in the street! And when they’re doing their Fire spells, I can’t see any fire at all! At least when we were kicking fuck out of each other pretending to be the Red ranger, we could do everything!

Whatever Happened To Board Games?

(Blog first wrote 24th March 2008)

Board Games

After a long gruelling weekend, involving beer, chocolate, failed flirtation experiments and more beer, me and the lads in La Casa De Los Pantalones were winding down with a few beers and some dvd’s when AJ decides a board game is in hand! And the board game in question, Hotel, dates back to before I was born yet it still looked in pretty good nick! With 1986 pasted about the board’s edges, it made me wonder what really happened to board games!

I mean, the game was fantastic! I think it was a glitz and glamour Monopoly alternative, and to tell you the truth, I think Monopoly has still won as I never recalled the game Hotel! Although I would have been a toddler during it’s first rounds so I can’t really comment!

Anyways, I remember during my youth that board games were, pretty much, the shit! Scrabble was a bit daunting for a young’un but it weren’t that bad! Trivial Pursuit was a piss take, but I don’t think it was designed around mid-90’s scouse youth culture! We were too busy watching Power Rangers and climbing fences! I think the rest of England were sitting around reading and educating their blossoming little minds! But anyways, I digress!

What I’m saying now, is that board games aren’t really noticed that much! I worked in the youthy and there was the odd kid who wanted a game of Connect 4 (odd kid meaning every now and then, not that he was a bit strange and that! ) or Kerplunk! But they lost interest and went to play Pro Evo on the PS2! When I was a kid, we all fucking loved Monopoly and Go For Broke! Mouse Trap was like a wet dream, only it was wipe clean, a bit less fiddly and you can do it in front of your Mum! Even the lesser know ones like The Great Museum Caper was a rasper! (I recommend someone look that up, it was a scream!)

Even Monopoly realises it’s had to change now! You don’t even use notes on it anymore! You’ve all got a credit card and just transfer money, like a flash fucker! Plus, it probably makes more money on selling the Monopoly game on the mobiles! I’ve got it! It’s good like but it lacks the old gamesfun value! Plus the computer is a clever cunt, buys everything!

I think they’ve all missed out to the Playstation generation. Attentions aren’t held unless your bombing fuck out of some poor fella’s house on Grand Theft Auto or taking off heads in some sort of zombie game!

Sponsor a Scouser

(Blog first wrote 30th April 2008)

I've just been watching Scrubs whilst going about my usual affairs when an advert comes on the telly! And it concerned sponsoring a dog!

And it's not a bad notion, don't misunderstand. The dog companies do need money and it is a very worthy cause, much the same as the other sponsor style companies. Just so I don't get my arse sued!

But to spout bullshit that your dog will then write to you every month? This paints a different style picture! Now I have the image of a sweat shop, full of poor little puppies slaving away at a typewriter with some mean Miss Trunchbull style character behind them cracking the whip! Poor little fuckers!

Then there's the notion that elephants, tigers and lions can all do the same! Sitting away writing a monthly letter of gratitude with their specs on at a mahogany desk, sipping a nice hot steaming cup of mocha!

They even blag that dolphins can do it! First of all they haven't got opposable.... anything! Then there's the small matter of a lack of underwater word processors! Yet the very fact that these adverts still get air-time suggests that the adverts work, or at least have done in the past!

And that got me thinking! (Always a good thing when you realise a blog is a little too short! ) Why not set up this type of thing for me mates and myself? Sponsor a Scouser!

We could go on an advert too! We could be running through the park, looking desolate! In desperate need of beer, Playstation games and humerous little toys (Transformer's paraphinalia will never be too childish! ) And we could offer meet and greets wth our sponsors! Swerve these poxy letters, we'd like to be face to face with our fans!

So if anyone feels the need to sponsor anyone or anything in the next few weeks, forget texting WOOF to 61234 (no bullshit, wrong number but you do text WOOF to sponsor a dog! ) Text CARLSBERG to 19777881840508 (or just e-mail me for my Paypal account and I'll happily take on any of your spare change to make you feel better about yourself! You have a nice day!