Sunday, 29 March 2009

Cake Idol

I never thought that I'd say this, but the television is desperately short of top quality reality TV shows at the minute. Of course, we have the run of the mill examples such as Britain's Next Top Model, I'm A Celebrity, Dancing On Ice and our eternal favourite, Strictly Come Factor.

They run yearly, although it doesn't feel like it. There's an X Factor final every other week in my mind. This is an obvious ploy to keep people watching each year, which works of course. But we need something to grab the masses. It's all well and good creating shows which dancing fans would like, or singing enthusiasts want to watch every weekend.

Think back to the only good bit, let's be honest now, of X Factor. It's the numpties who come in and make a tit of themselves in the auditions. There's a nice blend of top quality talents, with the odd splash of shite thrown in for good measure. It's worked well since Pop Idol and I'm sure it'll work just as well 'til Simon Cowell hangs his pants up. Which brings us to my own idea.

Obviously the model programmes have covered the girls who are going to be gracing the covers of Vogue and.... so on. Celebrity Fit Club has covered the chunks who want to shift some titties. Why not a programme for the comfortably fat?

Michelle McManus was a massive hit, no pun intended, on Pop Idol. Everyone bought into the story. Fat lass, goes on reality TV show. Enjoys 15 minutes of fame. Disappears into mediocrity only to pop back up having lost weight. To disappear into mediocrity once again!

Why not introduce Cake Idol? The programme which allows you to be who you are. Unless you're less than a size 28 of course. People, who are comfortable with their size, competing for the ultimate trophy!

The auditions would obviously be in the Big Brother style. Videos sent in of portly housewives professing their love for Ronald McDonald. Or 10 second English breakfasts. The whole nation will be enchanted by the talent.

Then onto the competitive side! A bit of light cake tasting. Think I'm A Celebrity. Without the scorpions and the bollocks. Obviously there are points for correct answers but we need some charisma thrown in there as well.

Judge number one will obviously be Rik Waller. He's graced more reality TV shows than Ant & Dec. His petulant style will obviously keep viewers enthralled. We could throw a bit of Lisa Riley in there. Or all of her, by public demand. Then replace her with Harry Hill and we'd all have much more fun! And of course, we have Mr Motivator. We always need an anti-fat judge.

Of course, we'd all need to put this to the TV standards. It'd need the stamp of approval before we could unleash it on the masses, with it's obvious ethical connotations. There'll be a few chunks calling for my head before it get's put on telly!

But before we know it, Simon Cowell will have come in to take it to America. I'm sure it'd take off over there...

Wednesday, 11 March 2009


Fitness is a funny thing. Something which mankind used to uphold quite easily a million years ago now costs £40 a month in gym memberships and a low carb diet.

We used to run around killing dinosaurs and now we get a sweat on watching people do it on films. While chomping on Ben & Jerry's and Minstrels! This is probably more expensive than the gym, but that's for another blog!

In general, you go to the gym. Feel inadequate for an hour or two and then go home and eat crisps. Or is that just me? Either way, I'll run you through the experience, bit by bit.

So first of all, you sign the form which basically said if you're killed during your trip to the gym, it's your fault. Not the equipment, the staff or the serial killer that's been hiding in the male showers!

You start with a warm up on the treadmill! Running at about 9.5 whatevers until 5 minutes, and then upping it by 0.5 whatevers every further minute! This is all well and good when you're, say, not a fat fucker. Me though? Well....

After that, there's the weights machine. You'll stand there lifting what you feel is a considerably heavy amount while next to you, a bouncer who lives behind the cross-trainers is lifting a people carrier. Onto the next lot then!

Excercise mats! You can do sit ups, press ups. Even forward rolls. But then this means lying on the floor in a gym full of sexy people and panting while you attempt to excercise a muscle which is restricted by the ale gut your trying to get shut of!

Then you have the swimming pool. Or the jacuzzi in Joey language. You can't beat getting in the aquapool, then the sauna, steam room, etc. Although it's probably just a good way of resting those muscles I've done in whilst trying to fix them. Irony? I think so!

The Biggest Evil In The World

(Blog first wrote 24th April 2008)

There are many evil things in this world! Many say it comes down to money. There's also power! But I read something the other day which made my stomach turn. Something so grotesquely inhumane, I didn't realise someone could be capable of such a greedy and selfish act! And it came from the biggest evil of all! BINGO!

The very thought of bingo is enough to make a small child cry! It's dressed up as such a nice thing to do! Go play bingo, have fun and a drink and maybe win some money! They try and start children off young with little bingo sets! Planting the seeds early so they blossom into little bingo loving killing machines!

You think I'm joking!? Get onto this....

Three sisters fighting in court over how to share a £50,000 bingo jackpot!
Doreen Thomas and Linda Kenny have sued their elder sister for what they claim their slice of the cash.
They say the three had always agreed to share their winnings and had done so for three years.
But Edna Sexton, 59, who played the winning card, denies the promise applied to her win.

The article carries on to explain that police were brought in due to the bitterness of the argument! The sisters even called the DSS claiming that the winning sister should be stripped of her benefits due to the win she's brought in! Also, the one time that Edna Sexton was absent, the other two had a winner and still weighed her in with her share of the win! Nothing like a kick in the teeth to repay your kind generosity!

This makes it even funnier!

Mrs Thomas said she allowed Mrs Kenny to push in the queue to buy Mrs Sexton's winning card because her eldest sister was late.
She said: "If I had got that ticket, we would have our money and we would not have had to go through this"

Any game which can drive old women to court over a win should be banned! It's funny, but your not allowed to advertise ciggies or even alcohol, soon anyway! At least everyone knows what ale and fags do to you! They dress bingo up as this fun game where everyone fucking loves each other! The reality is that every old woman in there is like a little grey cage fighter!

Fingers crossed the two sisters get their money! I think it's terrible that the old boot has fucked them off! And a word of warning to anyone wishing to play bingo! DON'T!!