Wednesday, 21 January 2009


Now this blog was born from the keen urge to do sod all and sit on the toilet. And play Tetris. The most miraculous thinking place for any good writer. But the problem was, this was during work hours. And natural needs are to be thrown out of the window. Or you'll be sacked.

And this had me thinking of the perfect type of job. There's the jobs which are rewarding like building houses for the homeless or volunteering for a charity of some sort. You go home with a sense of pride, only to find there's no bread. Then there's the very highly paid jobs such as a film star or a football player. You go home on top of the world because everyone knows who you are, only to find there's too much bread. And I'm not questioning the fact that football players earn more in a month than Gordon Brown earns in a year. The skills some of those lads possess are phenomenal. You try shooting snot out of your nose without getting any on your shirt!

But then there's the more realistic jobs. The jobs that I, and possibly you, have to have. It's the run of the mill jobs. I currently work in a call centre on customer service for a fairly well known company. And I get by, plodding along all day answering the phone and writing notes. Then answering the phone. Then writing notes. Continue until bored.

And I've done a fair few different jobs. I've worked in a pub. Which basically means you're getting paid a shit wage to put on weight, get pissed and work unsociable hours. No thanks. I've also been a Youth Worker. Which was well paid and rewarding at the same time. But it posed the same problem as every job, form of education and civic duty rolled into one. When you go for a shit, people ask where you are.

And how long you've been there. Now I'm not sure how high up people place going for a number two, but I can assure you that I'm not alone in my love of the sacred dump. Many many people indulge in the epiphany shite. I've even got my favourite toilet in work! Third one along. It's got a smoke alarm above it too so no risk of second hand smoke!

So the perfect job is apparent. It's not the one that makes you feel fuzziest. It's not the one that pays the most. It's the one that doesn't time you when you go for a shite!

Thursday, 8 January 2009


(Blog wrote on 26th April 2007)

Whoever invented alchohol is a cheeky cheeky bugger! Putting something so beautifully hilarious in the same bottle as a bint of a head the next day! The origin of the English word "hangover" is unclear, but some suggest that it simply describes the position of the sufferer the morning after a night of alcoholic excess, their head "hanging over" the toilet bowl. Wherever it comes from, it tastes like lastnight!

The new beer fridge in my room has proved to be a blinder upto now, supplying me with a variety of colder than usual beverages at hand! So this morning, the best thing ever happened! My bottle of water had half frozen and I had a freezing cold hangover fighter! Bonus!

So I lay there, pondering the night before! The events that contributed to my sore head! There was the Chelsea game, a 1-0 defeat which will be turned over by the redmen at home! I'm confident of that! Then there was the bottles of Bud in our pub! They possibly helped the head-ache happen!

Then there was the Cava and Popworld! There were shots and beer involved in both, but only dancing in Popworld! Probably the funniest dancing I've ever seen, from Lee Mc - or Ace Ventura to us! Gaying it up has gone to new levels! In saying that I think he went home with someone so I'm not arguing against his methods either!

After there, we ended up going the Mood, as Medication had finished for the night! I found a boss green hat which you'll see on my pictures somewhere! And as there was a lack of cloakroom in the Mood, I saw someone from school behind the bar and she said leave my jumper behind these signs on the bar! A little bit wearliy I did so, and I still have it now so I was wrong to think someone would have it off!

From there it was to a different chicken gaff which doesn't have the credentials of Hardman Pizza, the genuine Chicken Gaff! As I think it was that chicken burger and chips that caused my hangover! It's easy to point the finger isn't it? Thank you all for a boss night anyways, and say no to big men with massive, massive heads in the toilet who offer you drug dealers phone numbers! Or they'll drag you through the shit!

Thursday, 1 January 2009

My Latest Office

Hello there!

I just thought I'd pop a quick word in here before I start shifting all my shite from my previous blog page.

I'd better start by introducing myself. I'm Joey Burns. I'm from Liverpool and have lived in Walton my entire life. I have a couple of loves in my life. And before you assume that I'm a Mormon with 8 wives, I shall dispel your thinking by letting you know that one is my gorgeous girlfriend Hannah. In her I feel I've met one of my best mates and my match at the same time! Then there is Liverpool Football Club. I've worshipped this team from day one and shall continue to do so until the day that I die. There's also my music. I started learning guitar at the tender age of 18 and I've proudly stuck to it. To this day, I can configure chords and actually play stuff which makes reasonable sense. That in itself is a massive victory for me, as when I started I felt hopeless and absolutely shite if I'm going to be honest. I'm also a car bore. I know too much about cars, but I don't care, as I love them. I'm possibly the most unlucky car bore in the world however, as my potential car insurance costs 5 times as much as my car would be. Bugger!

As for my track record, I was previously writing blogs on my personal MySpace page but felt that it was getting a little old fashioned and limited if I wanted someone to read it. Basically, it ended up being like writing an article on a typewriter. Which you then could only show people who were in the 'MySpace room' as it may seem. So limiting it to friends and MySpace enthusiasts, I decided enough was enough on that front.

As a result of the limitations, I've given my writing a wide berth for a bit and over the New Year I've thought about what I want to do. Which was write a bit more! Call it a New Year's resolution. So I've set up this Blogspot, which feels a bit more professional already. Any blog experts, please do not judge me. I started on a MySpace typewriter!

So in the coming weeks, I'll be throwing some former articles which I like from my previous page. I hope you like them. If you've read them already, congratulations on finding my previous page. It was hard enough for me to locate it!

So welcome to the new office. Same as the old office. But, better?

P.S. Don't be expecting too much intellect and deep thinking from my page. The majority, as I have come to discover, is just me chatting shit!