Cake Idol

I never thought that I'd say this, but the television is desperately short of top quality reality TV shows at the minute. Of course, we have the run of the mill examples such as Britain's Next Top Model, I'm A Celebrity, Dancing On Ice and our eternal favourite, Strictly Come Factor.

They run yearly, although it doesn't feel like it. There's an X Factor final every other week in my mind. This is an obvious ploy to keep people watching each year, which works of course. But we need something to grab the masses. It's all well and good creating shows which dancing fans would like, or singing enthusiasts want to watch every weekend.

Think back to the only good bit, let's be honest now, of X Factor. It's the numpties who come in and make a tit of themselves in the auditions. There's a nice blend of top quality talents, with the odd splash of shite thrown in for good measure. It's worked well since Pop Idol and I'm sure it'll work just as well 'til Simon Cowell hangs his pants up. Which brings us to my own idea.

Obviously the model programmes have covered the girls who are going to be gracing the covers of Vogue and.... so on. Celebrity Fit Club has covered the chunks who want to shift some titties. Why not a programme for the comfortably fat?

Michelle McManus was a massive hit, no pun intended, on Pop Idol. Everyone bought into the story. Fat lass, goes on reality TV show. Enjoys 15 minutes of fame. Disappears into mediocrity only to pop back up having lost weight. To disappear into mediocrity once again!

Why not introduce Cake Idol? The programme which allows you to be who you are. Unless you're less than a size 28 of course. People, who are comfortable with their size, competing for the ultimate trophy!

The auditions would obviously be in the Big Brother style. Videos sent in of portly housewives professing their love for Ronald McDonald. Or 10 second English breakfasts. The whole nation will be enchanted by the talent.

Then onto the competitive side! A bit of light cake tasting. Think I'm A Celebrity. Without the scorpions and the bollocks. Obviously there are points for correct answers but we need some charisma thrown in there as well.

Judge number one will obviously be Rik Waller. He's graced more reality TV shows than Ant & Dec. His petulant style will obviously keep viewers enthralled. We could throw a bit of Lisa Riley in there. Or all of her, by public demand. Then replace her with Harry Hill and we'd all have much more fun! And of course, we have Mr Motivator. We always need an anti-fat judge.

Of course, we'd all need to put this to the TV standards. It'd need the stamp of approval before we could unleash it on the masses, with it's obvious ethical connotations. There'll be a few chunks calling for my head before it get's put on telly!

But before we know it, Simon Cowell will have come in to take it to America. I'm sure it'd take off over there...